20140121

Resigned. ReTIRED.

Here.

In the depths of the night. Beyond the reach of others, but nowhere near the stars. Here stuck in my in-between. Where it is neither far or near. Where all things are left hanging. Where all things are in limbo.

Here.

I recount years past. I reminisce experiences. Episode after episode. I watch them stream to my consciousness. I search my soul for a feeling. Any feeling. I search for meaning in a life lived. I search justice in the principles I upheld. I search lessons in the mistakes I have made. I try to remember my purpose. I try to remind myself of the things  I believe in.

Here.

In the depths of the night. My uncertainties go unnoticed. The darkness shall eat my despair whole. The black of night will swallow my fundamental being.

Now.

Not earlier, nor later. Now, no more tears shall race on each cheek. no further anger or fury. No more sorrow. No more goodbyes. No more indifference.

Now.

Today of all days. tonight of all nights. I stake my claim. I reclaim my rights.

Now.

There will be no more saving. There will be no more principled beliefs. There will be no more optimism. There will be no more selflessness.

I have been forsaken. I have been left needing. Left wanting. Left helpless. Who helps me now? Who carries me through? Who pushes me up? Who breaks my fall?

You have ruined me. Made me question my beliefs. Made me lose trust. Made me lose faith. You have killed me. What  I stand for. What makes me, me. You have destroyed me. No repair in sight. You have dimmed, put out, the light.

Here and Now.

There will be no more cape.

There will be no taking flight.

Here and Now.

Find someone else.

My feet will remain on the ground.

Here and now.

Today of all days. Tonight of all nights. In the quiet of your sleep, I make my move. In the hush of your slumber, I change from within, and not from the phone booth. every man has a breaking point.

I am, still, just a man.

Tonight, I give up the fight. I give up completely.

Tonight, Superman quits.


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Ang EDSA puno na naman.. daming nagdadaan.... buti pa EDSA, trapik, dami kasing nagsisiksikan...eh ang puso ko... ke-luwang-luwang... wala man lang nagsusumiksik na kahit isang nilalang.. ang mapadaan... dito naman, dito and daan... -EDSA by S.D.

20140120

26 Fe

Ferrum

It is ironic how people complain about my lack of personal life and social activities outside of work, and yet with what they do, they make it impossible.

Somehow someway, I have crept into people's consciousness. I do not know why, but it seems I make a good topic around the block, and I always find myself being talked about.

My personal life is my personal life. If I refuse to talk about it, it is not a confirmation that what you say and think of me is true. I am also not saying it is a denial. It is my personal life and should be of no interest to you. Apparently that is not the case. Somehow it seems to interest you. 

I am no celebrity. so stop talking about me, and stop talking about me behind my back. If I am failing you at work, then talk to me. Otherwise, just stop. 

You somehow think you know enough. You seem to think you have all the facts. You seem to think it all add up. Why? How would a confirmation and validation of stories about me help you in any way? How does it make you or your life better? It doesn't. Move on. Move forward.

I am far from perfect. You seem to want to prove that, but I already told you that I am not. What else do you want to prove? You say you are disappointed because you thought I am this or I am that. First, what you say or hear about me aren't necessarily true. Two, if they are, I can't help you with your disappointment. I am not the image you have of me. I am a living breathing person. I am allowed to make choices that may not be in line with whatever image it is you have of me. I can't live up to your expectations. I can't even live up to my own all the time. But I am ok with it. It seems you aren't.

Look, I will level with you. I can actually deal with it. What people have to say about me, I can deal with all of it. But it becomes heavier to bear, when I lose people because of it. I lose people I can trust. I lose friends. I lose people close to me. For a myriad of reasons. Some I lose because they don't trust me anymore, some I let go because I am not sure I still trust them. Some avoid me because they don't want to fuel the stories about me. They do not want to be part of it. Some leave and distance themselves, thinking it's the best way they can help protect me and my reputation. Other reasons. Whatever the reasons are, the thing is, I lose them one way or another. That, is what is difficult about all this.

It is ironic.

How you tell me to get a life but you don't make it possible.

I have given you most of me.

Almost all of me.

What irony.

That you take what's left of me while asking me to claim more of me.



20140115

Incongruous Zombie

Στη μητρική σας γλώσσα να σου μιλήσω

Sti̱ mi̱trikí̱ sas gló̱ssa na sou milí̱so̱

Είμαι στην άκρη των άκρων, το όριο των ορίων

Eímai sti̱n ákri̱ to̱n ákro̱n , to ório to̱n orío̱n


Veniam putavi, pergas procede ... quia malum visum est?
verberat vita non in corde. vis pugnare non in venis

הסוף אני מרגיש.הסוף קרוב. הסוף הוא שומע.

Καθώς έρχομαι όλο και πιο κοντά, εύχομαι τίποτα, αλλά για να με ακούσει.
Kathó̱s érchomai ólo kai pio kontá , éf̱chomai típota, allá gia na me akoúsei .


στη δική σας γλώσσα, ίσως υπάρχουν για την ευκαιρία να ακούσει.

sti̱ dikí̱ sas gló̱ssa , íso̱s ypárchoun gia ti̱n ef̱kairía na akoúsei .
 
ή απλά η γλώσσα ... είμαι πραγματικά νεκρός, όπως νεκροί μπορεί να είναι.
 
í̱ aplá i̱ gló̱ssa ... eímai pragmatiká nekrós, ópo̱s nekroí boreí na eínai


ritu sancto tuo, et in sermonibus, et dicent: Gloria: Gratias ago, et paenitet.



Ang EDSA puno na naman.. daming nagdadaan.... buti pa EDSA, trapik, dami kasing nagsisiksikan...eh ang puso ko... ke-luwang-luwang... wala man lang nagsusumiksik na kahit isang nilalang.. ang mapadaan... dito naman, dito and daan... -EDSA by S.D.

20130916

Admissions

I am no saint.

I am no hero.

I am nobody special.

There have been 2 distinct sets of people so far that I have come across, in relation to me and my life.

One group seems to think that I am immune to hurt or to mistakes. That I am near perfect; a success story with idealisms so naive about goodness and right and integrity and values and virtues. A true Hollywood production brought to life and ready to inspire.

The other group seems hell bent on proving I am not even close to good. That I must be hiding something. That I probably made mistakes in my life and continue to make mistakes. That I am a fraud. A con artist so good at making people believe. Making people buy in. That the truth about me is ugly and twisted. 

One group stays silent, the other swirls stories around.

One group wonders without bias as to who I really am, the other group already convinced about their presumptions.

One group curious, the other already passed judgment. 

One group says "I think he is..." The other groups says "see, I've always known him to be....I knew it."

This entry by all accounts, is a confession. This entry at no account, is a desire to defend, nor a desire to explain. It is by all accounts, an expression, an outlet.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and everyone in between, allow me to introduce you, to who I really am.

I can go and narrate my life story all the way from the beginning but that is not what this is about. This is not a history lesson, or story-telling time. This here, is an introduction.

What I am:

I am a simple guy who just dares to find out if I am capable to do great things, and my curiosity extends as to whether everyone else can do great things.  I was born onto a family that had its fair share of ups and downs, so I have tried hard to keep my values in tact, mindful of what happened to me and my family.. Don't want to end up like that!

Now, saying I try hard to keep my values in tact doesn't always mean I always succeed. I try hard as I can, but when I fail, don't judge me yet to be a fraud. Just like any other human being, I've got needs and wants. I make mistakes, I give in to temptation, I falter and fall over....

No matter what happens, I always get back up. People dismiss me to be nothing, I make sure I become someone. People decide I am a fraud, I work hard so the outcomes would say otherwise. People assume I am in error with a particular decision or action, I take the the lessons and the feedback and use them to be better.

I guess what I am trying to say, is I want to save everyone the trouble: no need to guess or wait for when I trip and fall; I make mistakes I am not perfect. I do stupid things. I get scared too. I am not without fault.

See, I have preached and talked about values and virtues, and have such lofty standards... I don't always live up to them. I try but I do not always succeed. 

Does that make me a fraud? To preach and talk about things I can't and don't always deliver on?

I cannot and should not defend myself. In the end, I know I am not free from sin. I am human and I have erred.

All I ask is that you do not be quick to judge me. All I ask is you do not dismiss my character based on what you have heard about me, based on what you think you know about me, based on things and events you have associated with me. 

I am still me. At the risk of looking and sounding like a fraud, I will continue to preach and talk about the same values and virtues. I have and will make mistakes and won't always live up to the values and virtues I speak of.

Just like how I say that I am no better than anyone else; chew on the fact I am not that much worse from everyone else.

See you on the other side. Wherever that is. Whenever that is. And whatever that means.